...pentru ca unele lucruri e mai bine sa ramana nespuse...

Par fericit in pozele cu tine. Si te urasc pentru asta...

Chiar eram fericit in momentele acelea. Pe norisorii rozi, cu zambetul tamp pe chip, cu stelele care pareau ale dracu' aliniate, cu luminile semaforului care se faceau mereu verzi, cu autobuzul dupa care nu mai trebuia sa alerg, ca-l prindeam intotdeauana...

Totul parea usor, doar trecerea timpului nu. Minutele se scurgeau greu pana sa te vad iar si de multe ori nu stiam cand si daca am sa te mai vad vreodata. Traiam cu o permanenta spaima ca iar o sa apara un altul, o sa intervina ceva, o vizita inopinata, o schimbare de ultim moment. Pana la urma nu a trebuit sa fac niciun efort ca sa te pierd...

Si asta n-ar fi fost nimic. Am pierdut atatia oameni. Fata de unii din ei, tu nu poti fi considerata nici macar o cunostinta pasagera. Si totusi ai lasat urme. Pe unii din oamenii pierduti i-am dat uitarii fara niciun regret. As fi vrut sa nu te regret nici pe tine. Insa cel mai tare regret ca niciunul din voi nu mi-ati dat dreptul sa va spun adio asa cum ar fi trebuit. Povestile neterminate sunt cele mai nasoale pentru ca lasa deschisa posibilitatea ireala a unui final fericit...

Cel mai rau e cand ajungi sa te indoiesti nu doar de tine ci de gesturi si cuvinte. Cand ele isi pierd, brusc, orice inteles. Iar fara intelesul pe care il exprima cuvintele sunt lipsite de valoare, de sens. Devin doar o insiruire de litere, de zgomote goale. Rostite, nu mai produc niciun efect. Niciun gand. Nicio emotie. Pentru ca nu mai poti sa realizezi daca de data asta sunt sincere sau nu...

Tu ti-ai vazut in continuare de viata. Si m-ai ignorat cu stil, atata vreme cat nu ai avut nevoie de mine. Cum au facut multi altii inaintea ta si cum au facut, tot multi, si dupa ce n-ai mai fost. Ti-ai spus cuvintele de despartire, ti-ai scuipat furia, ti-ai varsat lacrimile si te-ai dus, libera si usoara, cu inima goala, gata sa fie umpluta de alte sentimente, pentru alte persoane sau pentru copii tai...

Iar eu inca ma trezesc din cand in cand gandidu-ma la tine. Cautand explicatii. Care nu exista. Si chiar daca ar exista nu ar rezolva nimic. Rasfoiesc aiurea albume in care noi doi am mers in diverse locuri, unde am mancat, am baut, am vorbit, am ras, ne-am tinut de mana, si alte lucruri din astea pe care le fac oamenii obisnuiti. Lucruri care ma enerveaza teribil acum. Lucruri pe care, desi-mi lipsesc, nu vreau sa le mai fac, pentru ca nu le mai fac cu tine. Lucruri care aveau valoare doar prin prisma faptului ca erai tu. Si tot gandindu-ma la lucrurile alea imi dau seama cat eram de fericit si cat eram de prost in acelasi timp. Si, ti-am zis, te urasc pentru asta!

Stiu, stiu, mi s-a spus, nu m-am vindecat daca inca mai trezesti in mine senzatii, fie ele si de furie. Cica nu-mi esti indiferenta. Ceea ce e, sincer, o prostie. Daca ai simtit vreodata ceva, pentru cineva, nu-ti vor fi niciodata complet 'indiferenti'. Dar nu asta e ideea. Te urasc pentru ca m-ai amagit, lasandu-ma sa cred ca fericirea e reala.

Si chiar de-as sterge de o mie de ori pozele 'doveditoare', nimeni nu poate sterge imaginea intiparita bine-n capul meu...

Live Forever

I don't want to die... And i don't want to get old. Being old it's a path of decay that leads to death. Old and death are related terms. They somehow generate each-other. If you are to live forever you can only be young forever...

I have a weak heart. "Lazy" seems to be the medical term. When i'm at rest, my heart beats are so low they are barely noticeable. One doctor told me it's probably because i picked up running, but i don't run nearly as much and as often that my heart would change habits (which is what happens with marathon runners). Other told me that since my heart is weak i should drop running because it might give me a heart attack. Or buy a heart rate monitor and watch its activity carefully. Basically, one of the few physical activities that i do and that make me feel good could kill me.

Isn't that the case with everything that makes you happy?

In London, whenever the sun makes an appearance i go running in a park-forest nearby my place. To get there i need to pass through a street in between the cemetery and the crematory. The "famous" Golder's Green crematory. It's quiet and safe, though the silence and landscape are creepy. I usually make my best time per km when i go towards the park (and coming back) even though i am running up hill. I am not comfortable in the presence of death reminding tokens. Holes that swallow rotting corpses on one side, holes throwing fire that turn one body into a fist of ashes on the other... Yesterday i even saw a mortuary car taking a body to be cremated. A few people went in with the deceased. The majority of the old people who attended the service was discussing in front of the church, a bit further away. It was like they have just witnessed a social event. It seemed routine to them. A thing you just do... Made me think a lot...

To be so accustomed and used to death to not actually notice its presence...

I wondered how many people would come if i died and i realized that most likely none: when there are no people celebrating your birthday there is a very small chance that anyone will notice you're gone.

If you were not worth of company when you were alive, you're not worth of company when you're dead either...

If you left no mark on anyone's life or viceversa, there is no one to remember you... I think it's one of the main reasons people start up families and, especially, have kids. You will leave a mark at least on someone's life, enough to ensure that they will remember you.

From this perspective being alone means you're already dead. On the street you're a face that no one notices. Just another member of the crowd. In the grave or in the urn, you're just a name among other names. Lost in the large quantity of no-more's.

It's sad. And wrong. That's why i don't wanna die. I can't die. There are still so many things to do, discover, accomplish. So many things i need to see, people i haven't yet met, a life a haven't yet built. If i die, there is really no point in anything. Absolutely none.

If life has a sense or a meaning, if there is a God, i will live forever...